Hola DVD fans! I am Optimus Prime, star of the summer blockbuster
"Transformers". I just watched the movie Number 23 starring Jim
Carrey. I jotted down a few notes while I was watching it…

Before I get into the review of the movie I just want to say how great
It is to be back on the Hollywood A-list. I would like to thank all the
nerds…oops…I mean fans, who stuck with me thru the tough times
after the Transformers cartoon went off the air in the 1980's.

I guess looking back now I would say things got a little out of control for
me and many other of the Transformers after our careers took off and we
became superstars overnight. Most of what you read in the tabloids back
in the 1980's was true…the wild parties at He-Mans place, and the bar
brawls with the Gobots and Voltron. But all the fun came to an end when
I got the call from Bumblebee saying that our show was not going to be
around for another season.

I sunk into a dark place, the phone stopped ringing and the fan mail dried
up. Than I got more bad news, a good friend of my Q-bert was found dead
in a hotel room in West Hollywood, he hung himself with the cord from an
Atari 2600 joystick. I tried to stage a comeback in the mid 1990's but that
failed when an X-rated home video leaked out starring Optimus Prime
getting it on with a Honda Civic.

Fast-forward ten years and the phone rings again and it is Bumblebee, but
this time he was so excited and could not hide it. Bumblebee just said
turn on Entertainment Tonight! I think he was jumping up and down. There
was the news that "Transformers" was coming back to the big screen, and
Optimus Prime was about to have a Travolta-style come back. I turned
On my stereo and blasted the Transformers theme song…you know…
"Transformers, more than meets the eye…" it never sounded better, I danced
around my apartment.

Anyway Optimus is back, hope you went to see my movie. Now back to
Number 23. It was a cool movie if you were a fan of Fight Club, same vibe
And look. It was dark, creepy and I will not spoil the ending for you. It will
Probably be a little shocking if you are expecting "Ace Ventura" out of Jim
Carrey. It reminded me of Robins Williams in that movie "One Hour Photo".
Another funny guy showing a different side…more than meets the eye…you
Could say. HaHa! That never gets old!

This movie was a good one. If I had to rate it…I would give it 4 out of 5
Honda Civics.

-Optimus Prime actor/robot/vehicle

Hey everyone, "The Hoff" here. I am sure you know me as the
superstar everyone loves from the hit television shows Knight Rider and
Baywatch…two of the awesomest shows ever. I was also the judge on
one of those reality show contests…I can't think of the name of it at the
moment. I was just chilling at home with a cheeseburger and a few
brewsky's watching the DVD….Mel Gibson's Apocalypto.

Apocalypto had many thrills, spills, and chills the whole way thru.
But, this movie lacked many important elements. For starters the DVD
cover said Mel Gibson on it but he wasn't even in the whole movie…
What the hell! I kept waiting for Mel to show up at some point and kick
some ass but Noooooo…

I think the ending would have been so much cooler if there was maybe
a talking car. I know certain actor/legend who would have been perfect
as the driver of that talking car…the man who dazzled audiences on
the hit television show Knight Rider! That's right baby…"The Hoff"!!!

The movie could have used a musical number or two, and as I recall "The
Hoff" is a friggin' rockstar (okay, in Germany, I know...but what country are
You a rockstar in huh? Nowhere right! Score…"The Hoff" 20…you zero.)

I am starting to think "The Hoff" could do anything. In fact, I would like to
announce that I will be running for Governor of California against Arnold
Schwarzenegger next year or whatever year the next election year is. Dude,
I know I could beat Arnold. I mean look at his resume, not one hit television
show…and "The Hoff" has Knight Rider AND Baywatch. Dude, Baywatch
had tons of chicks in bikinis' and HELLO…when people think California,
they think chicks at the beach, not Cyborg Terminators or whatever the hell
that foreigner was.

So "The Hoff" needs your vote.

HASSLEHOFF FOR GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!!!!

Oh, and the DVD… it was okay, I was kinda bombed when I watched it
but the parts I remember were cool. I give it 2 ½ cheeseburgers.

-David Hasslehoff writer/actor/rockstar/legend

*okay fine, not actually written by David Hasslehoff but the guy who wrote it did drink beer and eat cheeseburgers.

Greetings oh exhalted readers. My name is Luke SkywaIker, Jedi Knight, and
friend of DVD renters everywhere. I come before you today to review Talladega
Nights:The Ballad of Ricky Bobby. As a sign of my good will I offer you a gift….
well actually I'm a little bit short of cash these days (there isn't much work for an
aging Jedi these days. I'm either too qualified, too honest or too short), so you'll
just have to do without the gifts.

I'll tell you, it ain't easy for a Jedi Master (some people try and still call me a Jedi
Knight, but you know what, after dueling and pretty much killing my own father,
not too mention saving the entire galaxy, those people can go to hell, or whatever
it is that Jedi believe about the after-life and bastards who don't deserve to be one
with the force. Like that Jengo Fett jack ass(yes I have watched the prequels. I
think my acting in Episode 3 was by far the best in the whole prequle trilogy. I mean
you could really feel that I was scared and cold and that everything was new to me).

Please Jengo Fett don't give me that "I'm a simple man trying to make my way in the
galaxy" crap! Did you ever hear of construction work or becoming a male nurse? Of
course you did (in fact I saw your application to the accademy's nursing program,
you had all the makings of a top notch medical assistant). But you threw it all away
to be a villain in a shiny suit. Sure your jet-pack and your flame thower and other
various accessories were pretty cool, but I'm sure you could have found a way to
use them as a male nurse. You could have Jet-packed around the hospital or used
your flame thrower to heat up peoples cold coffee and bag lunches. Instead you got
caught up in a scheme that was too big for your tiny little bounty hunter brain and
you ended up losing your head (you really put up a helluva fight too.) Charge right
at a Jedi Master and try to shoot him with your puny little blaster. You didn't even
try to throw sand in his eye or try to get him with the look at the giant flying rancor
monster (that trick still gets me everytime). I've watched that fight several times and
I came to the conclusion that you actually ran straight into Mace Windu's lightsabre,
he just had it sticking out in front of him and you tried to go underneath it like you
were at a blasted limbo party. Guess what? You lose. Good parenting too buddy.
I met your son and he was an even bigger tool than you were (although the hide and
wait for the Millenium Falcon trick in The Empire Strikes Back was pretty cool, he
must have learned that from his Mom). He falls in a hole and you chop your head
off with someone elses lightsabre, now that is a family tree to be proud of.

So you can both spend eternity watching Talladega Nights, because that would truly
be cruel punishment (you see that jedi writing trick I just pulled!!!). I felt like there
was something missing in this movie. A certain "gena say qua" that can only come
from having the screen presence of a jedi master. I know that I am type cast and
that most people think that I can't do comedy, but they are all very wrong.
(doesn't anybody remember my first inter-action with Yoda? Pure comedy genius!)
If they would have thought just a little bit outside the box, I'm telling you, they
would have all been screaming oscar! But instead we get the same old garbage
compactor humor, and I have to keep making $0.35 a word writing about crap
movies! I give this movie one mechanical hand.

-Luke Freelance writer/Jedi